Prison vs. Work

>  Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this
> should make things a little bit clearer.
>  IN PRISON……… you spend the majority of your time in an 10×10
>                              cell.
> AT WORK…………you spend the majority of your time in an 8×8
>                               cubicle.
> IN PRISON………you get three meals a day.
> AT WORK……… get a break for one meal and you have to
>                             pay  for it.
> IN PRISON……….you get time off for good behavior.
> AT WORK……… get more work for good behavior.
> IN PRISON……….the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for
>                             you.
> AT WORK…………you must carry a security card and open all the
>                             doors for yourself.
> IN PRISON……….you can watch TV and play games.
> AT WORK……… could get fired for watching TV and playing
>                              games.
> IN PRISON………you get your own toilet.
> AT WORK……….you have to share the toilet with some people who
>                            pee on the seat.
> IN PRISON……….they allow your family and friends to visit.
> AT WORK……….. you aren’t even suppose to speak to your family.
> IN PRISON……….all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no
>                             work required.
> AT WORK……… get to pay all your expenses to go to work,
>                              and they deduct taxes from your salary to
                               pay for prisoners.
> IN PRISON……….you spend most of your life inside bars wanting
>                             to Get out.
> AT WORK ………you spend most of your time wanting to get
>                             out and go inside bars.
>  IN PRISON …….you must deal with sadistic wardens.
>  AT WORK……….they are called managers.
Now get back to work. You’re not getting paid to check emails!

JOKE: Giving money to street lady

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”

“No,” I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked “No,” I don’t waste time shopping, the homeless woman said.

“I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. ” I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the woman, ” I’m not going to give you the money.  Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded.  “Won’t your hubby be furious with you for doing that?  I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine .  


How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“Hunting Flies” He responded.

“Oh. Killing any?” She asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”

Joke: Water and Beer Education

Water and Beer Education

WATER…… It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water
each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking BEER because alcohol has to go
through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

 WATER = Poop


Free yourself of Poop, drink BEER!!!


It is better to drink beer and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.


1. A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs — and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. “Which one?” I asked. “The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!” I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion she answered…

“Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive.”

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?” “It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste” the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, “Keep off the grass.” Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said, “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!…………….

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, “I’m sorry.

Was I tickling you?” She replied, “No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, “I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener”.

Dr. Wouldn’t submit his name