Great One Liners for Today

I’ve been reading through: Great One Liners

Here are some really good ones from today:


To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer


Never do card tricks for your poker buddies.


Never mess up an apology with an excuse.


Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:  If it moves, tax it.  If it keeps moving, regulate it.  And if it stops, subsidize it.  —Ronald Reagan


Inside every senior citizen is a younger person wondering, “What the hell happened?”


A will is a dead giveaway.


A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


When I die, I want to die like my grandfather–peacefully, in my sleep.  Not screaming, like all the passengers in his car.


I think I know how Chicago got started: bunch of New Yorkers said, “Gee I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough.  Let’s go West.”  — Richard Jeni


Never be afraid to try something new.  Just remember:  amateurs built the Ark; professionals built the Titanic.


When someone says “penny for your thoughts” and you put your two-cents in, where does the extra penny go?


Why is it that if someone tells  you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you a wall’s paint is wet, you will touch it to be sure?


A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. —Samuel Goldwyn


Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.  — Ernie Kovaks


My husband and I divorced over religious differences.  He thought he was God and I didn’t.


The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.


The quickest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


Nobody is listening until you make a mistake.


For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.


A government big enough to give you everything you want is strong enough to take everything you have. — Thomas Jefferson



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