GadgetNate » jokes

Common sayings turned funny

GadgetNate — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 14:38:08 +0000

I got this email from a friend… Thought I would share.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted PAYCHECKS.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
22. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you where to go in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
31. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

Life Graphs

GadgetNate — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 13:34:34 +0000

Friend of a Friend

GadgetNate — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 14:23:39 +0000

One of my friends, has a friend that is a comedian. I watched and voted for his act on Famecast. Take a look and vote:

http://famecast.com/contest/centerstage.php?stage_id=6&round_id=58

He has some of his skits posted on his website:

http://www.naveedmahbub.com/

MySpace site:

www.myspace.com/naveedmahbub

[BJEmail] Two Chimpanzees and a Blonde

GadgetNate — Tue, 17 Apr 2007 03:44:03 +0000

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to

the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”

“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”

“Not for me I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken

to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?”

“I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to

the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

“What the heck are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”

“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde, “but we had money left over—so now we’re going to Sea World……”

[BJEmail] from down under

GadgetNate — Tue, 17 Apr 2007 03:41:40 +0000

Just to make you smile………From today’s Sydney Morning Herald

EASTER has been celebrated around the world in the traditional manner.

At the White House, President Shrub took the first ceremonial bite from a 181-kilogram hot cross bun baked by the Bible-Believing Halliburton Executives of America and called for world peace.

“This cookie is why, um, we got Eden and Eve in The Garden of, er, Adam and all that stuff,” the President said. “The United States will not leave Iraq till, um, them folks there get with the Bible good news.”

In Rome, pilgrims from around the world flocked into St Peter’s Square to hear the midnight Easter message from Pope Benzedrine. In a solemn ritual as old as Christianity itself, television cameramen battled to obtain a close-up shot of a pious but regrettably ugly nun clutching a candle.

Speaking in his native German and then a language Vatican officials believed might have been Swahili, the Pontiff called on the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby to come forward and confess.

“Zeigen Sie uns das Geld,” he told the crowd. “Show us the money.”

Best xx

[BJEmail] Don’t Mess With Old Ladies – Wednesday’s Humor Contribution]

GadgetNate — Sat, 14 Apr 2007 08:09:42 +0000

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’ t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, would you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don’t Mess With Old Ladies

If you want to brighten someone’s day, pass this on

[BJEmail] JFG – Monastery Life

GadgetNate — Sat, 14 Apr 2007 08:06:10 +0000

Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other
monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from
the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it
would never be picked up ! In fact, that error would be continued in all of
the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son.”

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for
hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him
banging his head against the wall and wailing, “We missed the ” R ” ! , we
missed the ” R ” !”

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong father ?”

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
“The word was . . . CELEBRATE !”

- Author Unknown

[BJEmail] Valuable Quarters

GadgetNate — Sat, 14 Apr 2007 08:04:31 +0000

Hang on to any of the new Missouri Quarters. If you have them, they may be
worth much more than 25 cents.

The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Missouri
quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will
not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any
other coin operated devices. The problem lies in the unique design of the
Missouri quarter, which was designed by a team of Ozark Mountain
specialists. Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel
together keeps jamming up the machines.

[BJEmail] One Wish Genie

GadgetNate — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 08:53:37 +0000

One-wish Genie

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman
asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook
myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So…What’ll it be?”

The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other
and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and
vice-versa.

It will bring about world peace and harmony.”

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, please be
reasonable.

These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of
shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I’m good, but
not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and
please
be reasonable.”

The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able
to find the right man. You know – one that’s considerate and fun, likes
to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets
along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That is what I wish for……….a good man.”

The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see the freaking map
again.”

[BJEmail] funny

GadgetNate — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 08:51:40 +0000

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation – just remember, it could have
been worse. These are actual quotes taken from federal government employee
performance evaluations.

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has
started to dig.”
2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won’t be.”
4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.”
5. “When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
6. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
7. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.”
8. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
9. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better.”
10. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together.”
11. “A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
12. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
15. “He’s been working with glue too much.”
16. “He would argue with a signpost.”
17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
19. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other
one.”
20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
21. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t
coming.”
24. “He’s got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking
for it.”
25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
26. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
28. “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
29. “One neuron short of a synapse.”
30. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”
31. “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes.”
32. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.